Futurama Porn Story: The Bermuda Triangle Expedition Chapter 1

(Professor enters the room.)

Professor: Good news! We won!

Leela: Won what?

Prof: The drawing to decide which crew will go on an expedition, of
course!

Hermes: I don’t remember entering our crew into the Expedition Agency
drawing.

Prof: Of course not. I entered the crew and just received a phone call
saying we won!

Hermes: Next time, tell us before you enter us into something we have
never heard of.

Leela: So, what’s this expedition all about?

Prof: The crew is to go to the Bermuda Triangle and figure out why people
disappear there.

Fry: Whatcha talking about?

Leela: Weren’t you listening?

Bender: Obviously not. Let’s go already!

(Scene: In the ship.)

Bender: 24-pack of . Eight bottles of . Three boxes
of Zuban .

Fry: . . Condoms-

Leela: Condoms?!

Fry: Just in case there’s an emergency.

Leela: Like.?

Fry: You know, we need to have sex and all that.

Leela: Whatever. Everyone ready?

Bender and Fry: Yup.

Leela: Aren’t Zoidberg, Hermes and Amy coming?

Fry: Nah. They made up some meaningless phrases like “yvan eht nioj,” and
“sex transfers STDs.”

(Leela presses the gas and the ship takes off)

(Scene: The border of the Bermuda Triangle. Leela, Bender, and Fry are on
top of the ship with their supplies.)

Leela: Fry, do me a favor and throw this waterproof camera over the
border. It’s tied to a rope I’m holding.

Fry: Okay. (Fry throws it.)

Leela (examines a TV screen): Hmm. I don’t see anything peculiar. Pull
in the camera, will ya Bender? Bender?

Bender: Hunh? Oh. (He pulls the rope.) Uh, Leela. there is no camera.

Leela: What?! (Leela takes the rope.) How awkward. Apparently, the rope
is cut. Ok, plan B. Bender, tie the rope around your body.

Bender: Why? I’m not plan B, am I?

Leela (annoyed): We discussed this on the way here.

Bender (annoyingly): But..

Leela: Oh, all right. We’ll all go. Fry-

(Fry is asleep)

Leela: Bender, put the water mask on him and throw him overboard.

Bender: Gladly. (He throws Fry overboard.)

Leela (has mask on, too.): Come on Bender. (She dives in the ocean.
Bender follows.)

(Fry is awake by now. All three swim toward the border of the Bermuda
Triangle. Surprisingly, Leela feels land on the other side of the border.
She climbs onto land and helps the other two up.)

Leela (pointing): Look!!!

Bender (looking): Oh my gosh!! It’s paradise! Fry-

(Again, Fry is found asleep on shore)

Leela (spotting a little jar in Fry’s pocket): No wonder. He didn’t know
that these beer-flavored gummy bears are Professor’s sleeping pills.

Bender: Professor needs sleeping pills? And did you say beer-flavored?
(grabs jar and eats the rest.)

(A man comes running up to the crew.)

The Man: Hello!!! Welcome to Bermuda Triangle!! Come with me to the man
responsible for creating this place!

Leela: Um, ok. Come guys. Is Fry still asleep?

Bender (carrying Fry over his shoulder, if he had one): What do you think?

(The man leads Leela, Bender, and Fry to a hut surrounded by about a
billion other huts. A man is inside.)

The second man: Hello, my name is Garu.

Fry (finally awake after Leela giving him Dayquil): You’re a guru? Can
you teach some of that Buddhism stuff?

Garu: Look, number one.I’m not a guru. Number two, gurus teach Hinduism.

Fry: Oh. Then can you teach me some of that Hinduism thingy?

Garu (angry): I’M NOT A GURU! DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME?

Fry: Hunh?

Garu: Shut up or else I are not going to give you what I’m going to give
to you.

Leela: Give us what?

Garu (suddenly calm): I grant whoever comes to this island their heart #1
desire. So Leela, you want to meet your parents, right?

Bender: She already did.

Garu (angry again): You shut up. I wasn’t asking you. (calmed down)
Leela wants to know more about herself and her parents. Leela, would you
like to live with your parents as long as you’re here?

Leela (quietly to Bender and half-awake Fry): Geez. Talk about mood
swings. I think he’s on coke. (normal voice, to Garu) I guess. Though I
have discovered I’m a mutant, I want to learn more.

Garu: Your wish will be granted as soon as my assistant, who led you here,
takes you to your hut. Vasco de Gama! Take Leela to Hut 1,111,111,111,111
please.

Vasco: Come with me Leela.

Garu: Bender, you want to be the richest man ever, abuse electricity
without being harmed, and of the robot mafia, true?

Bender: Will you grant it?

Garu: Yes. Cabrillo, take Bender to hut 1,111,111,111,112 please. Fry,
you want Leela to love you more than anyone can love anyone else and for
her to marry you. Krusty the Clown, take Fry to hut 1,111,111,111,113
please.

Krusty: HEY HEY HEY!! That’s a thousand bucks right there.

Garu: I granted your wish, and that’s all you’ll get!

Krusty: Darn. Come on, Fry.

(Krusty and Fry chat on the way to hut 1,111,111,111,113.)

Fry: Weren’t you on the cartoon The Simpsons?

Krusty: Of course!!! I got tired of them, so I went on a trip to Cuba for
their cigars; then the plane crashed here. It was paradise for me!!!!!
Here’s your hut. Enjoy yourself. And here’s the key.

Fry (grabs Krusty’s bowtie): Got your bowtie!

(Fry runs to and opens the hut door and is amazed by what he saw: A Leela
(we’ll call her Leela2) on the most comfortable bed in nothing but a bra
and panties waiting for him)

Leela2: Whatcha waitin’ for, tiger?

Fry: Good thing I brought my condoms. (He strips himself and finds he is
buff. He jumps on the bed and does the “thing.”)

(Scene: In front of Huts 1,111,111,111,111, 1,111,111,111,112, and
1,111,111,111,113. Fry (in a tux) is with Leela2 (in a wedding dress).
Leela is with her parents. Bender is dressed like a mafia member, flashing
his money.)

Bender: So, all is well, dirtbags?

Leela: Yes. Remember my parents?

Fry: No.

Leela: Don’t you remember? You were the one who revealed them.

Fry: Wait a a minute, it’s coming back to me…no.

Bender: Hey, this is Fry were talkin’ to. What do you expect him to know?

Leela: Who’s that you’re with, Fry? Looks like me.

Fry: Oh, her. She’s you.

Leela: Me?

Fry: Yup. She even acts exactly like you. She had sex with me last
night. She even wants to marry me.

Leela: That isn’t a thing like me.

Fry: Of course it is. You would do those things.

Leela: Hell no!!

Fry: Yeah you would. You married me. Remember?

Leela: During those time skips? Well, yeah. And I didn’t even know why!!

Fry: It was something I did, and I can’t remember, but you had sex with
me.

Leela: Only in that “if machine” that Professor invented. And I would
have if you kept those worms.

Leela’s mom: We’ll be in the hut. (Leela’s parents leave.)

Leela: Fine. I’ll go too.

Fry: Fine!!! (Fry walks to his hut.)

(Before Leela can open her hut door, a man comes running up to her.)

The man: Leela! Wait!!!

Leela: Who are you?

The man: I am Christopher Columbus.

Leela: I never knew you went to the Bermuda triangle.

Columbus: Actually, I reincarnated and came here accidentally. I have
something to tell you, but we must go somewhere private.

(They go to Columbus’s hut, not far from Leela’s. It was filled with gold
and spices.)

Leela: You wished for this?

Columbus: Yes. Now, Leela, I have observed you and your friends since you
guys came. Garu grants your heart’s greatest desire, but-

Leela: I know.

Columbus: I know you know, but there is a catch. You see, Garu grants
your wishes, but he makes your wish turn against you in a way depending on
what your wish is. You wished to know more about your parents and live
with them. He’ll turn your fake parents against you; so if your parents do
things like abuse you, then don’t be surprised.

Leela (astonished): Really? Did your wish turn against you?

Columbus: Yes. I wished for all the riches and spices in the world. I
got it here. But I cared too much about the riches that I forgot about
food.

Leela: Like Midas and his Golden touch?

Columbus: Kind of. I starved. I went to talk to Garu, but he said that
all he can give me is the wish I had in the first place. I lived on the
spices that I had. Dang, they’re spicy.

Leela: How can we escape?

Columbus: I don’t know. It has never been done. But a few nearly did.

Leela: So that’s why anyone who came here never came back.

Columbus: But I can help you. But you have to convince your friends that
their wish will turn against them first. Whisper when you talk of these
things. This is the one place God cannot see or hear you, but Garu can.

Leela: Don’t worry. I’ll try, but did you tell me about this?

Columbus: Well, first of all, you were the most recent guys to arrive, so
you have a chance. Second of all, you seem the sanest of all who have come
here.

Leela: Why thank you. *Sniff sniff* Ugh! What’s that smell?

Columbus (embarrassed): Oh. Um, I ate too much of granulated mustard
seeds that I got diarrhea.

Leela: Oh. (Leela leaves the hut.)

(As Leela walks to her hut, she sees Bender talking with some robot mafia
members.)

Leela: Bender, I need to talk with you.

Bender: No one’s allowed to talk with me unless they’re a somebody. Look
at me! I’m the robot mafia co-captain or whatever you call it.

Leela: Just come to my hut. (She grabs Bender’s arm and drags him to her
hut.)

Leela: Mom, Dad, my friend and I need to talk in private. (Parents leave
the hut.)

Leela (whispers): Look, Bender, we have to get of this island!

Bender (whispers): Why?!

Leela: Because sooner or later, your desire will turn against you!

Bender: And what makes you think so?

(A scream sounds. Leela and Bender poke their heads out the door to see
Columbus being dragged to Garu’s hut. Columbus spots Leela and points to
his hut. Bender stares after him. Leela understands what Columbus meant.)

Leela: C’mon! We have to go to Columbus’s hut!!!

Bender: Whose hut? (Leela drags him off anyways.)

(Leela spots a note at the floor of the hut. A few seconds later, all the
gold in the hut vanishes.)

Leela: Look at this! (reads silently)
“To Leela,
Garu had heard me talking about what we talked about; only you weren’t the
one I talked to that he heard (Yes, I found another sane one). By the time
you read this, I will be gone to his hut to be . I don’t know. Tortured?
Oh, well. I have noticed that your redheaded friend has not come out of
his hut for a while. You better check up on him. I believe that he will
be too subdued by his wish that he will not be able to leave whether he
wants to or not.

Christopher Columbus.”

We have to go to Fry’s hut!

Bender: Why?

Leela: To save him of course!! Didn’t you read the letter?

Bender: Yeah.

Leela: Well, c’mon!

(Leela and Bender run to Fry’s hut. They are astonished to see two kids
running around Fry.)

Leela: Fry?!

Fry: Oh, hi. Like our kids? The boy’s just like me!

(The boy burps.)

Leela (sarcastically): No kidding.

Bender: Fry! How are you dealing with all this?!

Fry: Bender, Leela. Please come with me outside. (Towards the other
Leela) I need to go outside. (The three go outside)

(All whispers)

Fry: You gotta get me outta here!

Leela: What a coincidence. We came to help you outta here.

Bender: Yeah. Leela says our wishes will turn against us.

Fry: It’s happened to me! Leela, the other one, kept telling me to help
around the house ever since we had kids! Our girl and boy are getting on
my nerves! My back aches from carrying them! The other Leela kept-“

Leela: We get the point! Look. The other Leela is running from your hut
towards Garu’s!

Bender: She must have heard us!

Leela: Quick! Follow me! (Runs off)

(Scene: the thick of the jungle forest.)

Bender: How do you know where to go?

Leela: There’s a map on the back of the letter that Columbus drew. Let’s
see. There should be a passageway . (Points)

Fry: A tree?

Leela: Hold on. yeah a tree.

Bender: The tree is a passageway?

Leela: Just look for this symbol on the tree.

(All three look at the map and start searching)

Fry: Found it!

Bender: That’s a hole that a woodpecker pecked, you nimrod!

Leela: That’s it!

Bender: The hole is it?

Leela: No! The thing below it! The symbol! (Examines map.) “Press the
symbol on the map against the symbol on the tree.” (She does so.)

(A door in the tree opens up.)

Fry: I’m scared to go in.

Bender: He’s going in first. (Pushes Fry into the hole.)

Fry: AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

Leela: You know, Bender, you could just drop a rock to see how far down
the hole goes.

Bender: Yeah, well, Fry reminded me of a rock.

Leela: And you could have told him there were bars to use as a ladder.

Bender: Yeah, well.

(A noise sounds) Thud

Leela: Fry? Is that you?

Fry: ‘s bruised and-ooh! A penny!

Leela: You in pain?

Fry: Just my ass. I landed on a huge pile of hay.

Leela: Hay? Well, we’re coming down!!

(Leela and Bender climb down. The doorway in the tree closes seconds
before Garu’s men walked by.)

Leela (holding up a flashlight): According to the map, we are to follow
the yellow brick tunnel.

Bender: Don’t you mean, “Follow the yellow brick road”?

Leela: No. (She flashes the light onto the pathway, revealing yellow
everywhere.)

Bender: Oh.

(All three walk down the tunnel until they reach a fork.)

Fry: If no one ever got off the island, then how did they make tunnels?

Leela: Columbus said that a group of five, including him, nearly escaped
by making these tunnels, but they were caught because someone left a stick
in the tree doorway that kept the door open. They never finished the
tunnels, but they were close.

Bender: What did Garu do with them?

Leela: After Garu took them out of the tree he sealed the doorway. All
but Columbus were tortured and soon died. Columbus somehow convinced Garu
that he was chloroformed and awakened right before Garu caught up with
them. Bender, will you hold this flashlight?

Bender: Certainly.

Leela: Let’s map says that left is south, and right is north. We
parked our ship on the north side of the island and-Bender? How many times
have I told you? Never read that Can Openers and Fembots novel!

Bender: But it has a flipbook thingy at the bottom right corner with a
fembot stripping her outer metal layer!

(Leela burns the book with a lighter and takes the flashlight)

Leela: Fry, where are you going?

Fry: Into the north passageway.

Leela: The right tunnel is the north passageway. You’re going into the
left tunnel.

Fry: Well, all geniuses make mistakes.

(The trio walks into the right tunnel.)

Bender: Look! Railroad tracks down through the tunnel! (Bender places his
feet onto the tracks to use as wheels. Fry and Leela get on him.) This is
your conductor speaking. The B-train will be traveling to the end of this
tunnel or wherever I feel like and I believe it will be a bumpy ride so
hold on and all aboard!

(They continue the travel through the tunnel. Round glass windows appeared
on the ceiling of the tunnel revealing an underwater view of the ocean.
They pass the windows and the tracks suddenly turn into a roller coaster
ride. Drop, uphill, drop, sharp right turn, sharp left turn, uphill, drop,
wide right, wide left, and finally, a finale loop de loop.)

Leela (pointing ahead): Look out! A dead end ahead!

(Bender suddenly stops and Fry and Leela go flying off of Bender and
crashes through the dead end wall.)

Leela: head.

Fry: Ouch, my ass hurts even more (Gets up). Let’s do that again!

Leela: No way! (looks forward) Hey, is that radioactive nuclear
industrial animal waste?

Fry: Hey, it is!

Bender (breaking through the wall): So that’s where those guys were
caught. (Looks at the glowing waste) Hey, it’s that stuff I dumped in the
sewers when I was in the waste management business!

Leela: Sewers? We’re in the sewers!

(Two mutants comes out)

Leela: Hi Mom. Hi Dad. It’s great to see the REAL you!

Leela’s mom: Hi. What are you doing here?

Leela: Long story. I’ll explain later.

Fry: I hear voices from deep in the tunnel.

Leela: It must be Garu’s men! We have to block the hole we made. (To her
parents) Do you have flushed stuff usable for building?

Leela’s dad: Why, yes we do! In fact, we’re carrying lots of it in this
wheelbarrow.

Leela: Then lets start closing the wall. Bender, you fix up the left, Fry
will do the bottom, and Mom and Dad will do the right, and I will do the
top.

(Using the glowing goo to hold the things in the wheelbarrow, all five soon
finished the wall.)

Bender: I think they’re about ten feet away.

Fry: Well, it’s too late for them now.

(Suddenly a spear breaks through a wall. One of Garu’s men peaked through
the hole he made.)

Garu’s man: You’re in BIG trouble!

Bender: No, but you are! (He scoops a wheelbarrow full of the glowing
waste and flings the goo at the man, or at least the hole.)

Garu’s man (in pain and mutating): OOOWWWWW!

Second man: Everybody else, attack!!! (Garu’s men break through the hole)

Leela: Run!

(All but Leela’s parents run)

Leela: Mom! Dad! C’mon!

Leela’s mom: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Leela’s dad: Yup

(Both make a loud sound)

Bender: What the-?

(Suddenly, all the mutants come out from their homes and attack back at
Garu’s men.)

(Fifteen minutes later.)

Fry (struggling with something): Help me with this guy! They’re not
giving up or retreating!

Leela: Fry, that wheelbarrow you’re struggling isn’t doing anything.
Besides, Garu and his men retreated about five minutes ago, and we just
sealed the wall.

A voice from behind the wall: Let me in!

Leela: That sounds like Columbus! Let open a big enough hole for him to
come through! (They did what she said. Columbus crawls through.)

Leela: Columbus! How did you escape?

Columbus: I did in their wagon of weapons that they took with them. When
they took the weapons for a battle, I hid in a niche and waited for them to
leave. (He turns his back to Leela to look around, revealing a bunch of
bloody marks and cuts from hiding under the weapons.)

Leela: We’d better get going to the office. Besides, I need to get a tow
ship to tow our ship back to the Planet Express.

(Scene: The Planet Express, in the meeting room.)

Amy: So they grant your heart’s #1 desire?

Leela: That’s right.

Fry: But they make your wish somehow turn against you.

Hermes: Amazing! And that’s the only place the God does not control, see,
or hear?

Bender: Yep.

Zoidberg: So, Bender, your wish was to become a robot mafia member?
Sooner or later, you’ll probably get involved with battles and shootouts!
Bang bang! Pow! Augh! (falls to the floor playing dead.)

Bender: were the days.

Amy: Shouldn’t you guys report this to the Expedition Agency?

Leela: No. Not now, anyways. I’m too weary.

Professor (walking into the room): Oh, Leela, Fry, and Bender! You’re
back! I have good news for all of you. We won another draw-

(Leela, Fry, and Bender speak simultaneously and leave at the same time.)

Leela: Gotta go. I need to get some groceries.

Fry: Uh, I need to do some cleaning in my room.

Bender: I have to visit my-uh-my robot friends at Techno’s Bar.

Professor: Wait! Don’t you want to hear the good news?

Leela, Fry, and Bender: Can’t! We’re busy!

Professor: Oh well. Goodbye then. (To Amy, Hermes, and Zoidberg.) So
what were we talking about? Ah, yes. So anyways, we won another drawing
that the Expedition Agency held. Because Leela, Fry, and Bender are busy,
you three will have to travel to the Boring Galaxy for at least a month and
report about what you see there. They gave me a list of questions they’d
like you guys to answer. (Gives the list to Hermes.) You need to leave by
tomorrow so get packing!

(The End)