Futurama Porn Story: Futurama BiNonsensical Man Chapter 2

Guest-starring Robin Williams as various extras

Written by Andrew Kaiko

I do not own the characters and all related subjects. All Futurama
characters, names, likenesses and all other criteria are TM and Y FOX and
it’s parent, affiliate and subsidiary companies. Steal and thou shall face
the consequences! Mwahahahahaaaa!

Chapter 2

“Good news, everyone!” said a familiar voice outside the door.

Everyone groaned to himself or herself and leaned over the meeting table to
what they were expecting, but instead they were in for a big surprise! A
cranking sound echoed from outside the doorway, and when a shiny silver
figure appeared, everyone gasped.

After the Professor’s operation, he had changed somewhat. His injured
right arm, his complete lower body, and various portions of his head were
replaced by a complex array of wires, buttons, metal, plastic, buzzing and
cranking! He had no use for a hover-chair anymore- his legs were so strong
they could now run at a full 100 mph! Having parts of his body turned into
a machine made him resemble an aged Two-Face meets the Terminator!

His actions, voice and mannerisms appeared to be ordinary, although
everyone was aware of the Professor’s sudden alertness and extraordinary
memory! His speech was notably clearer. I, secretly, was disguised as a
dog that was sitting atop the meeting table. I took note of all these
advances in my arch nemesis, and grimaced to myself at the very sight of
him! Oooh, how we will face his fate one day!

“Well, what do you think?”

Leela was the first to speak. “W-w-well, Professor. I. I can’t tell if
it’s an improvement or a hindrance.”

Hermes Conrad adjusted his glasses. “My God, ya look like a wrinkly
California Raison afta’ Spring Break Mon!”

Fry and Bender were too preoccupied watching the news on TV.

“In other news today, the President of Earth has issued an international
thievery watch, as many various prized possessions were reported stolen in
just about every country of the globe. Isn’t that right, Morbo?”

“MORBO THINK SILLY HUMANS MUST BURN ALL MACHINES TO END SUCH SELFISHNESS!”

“A-hahahahaha! Well, that’s all for this hour’s update. And stay tuned at
eleven for sports, when the Yankees play against the New Jersey. well.
enough about that topic.”

Hmmm. So, the humans have already noticed the items I took to plan my
anticipated all-out mania on the Professor! I wasn’t expecting this- Earth
was cleverer than I though! Hmmm.

Clank, clank, clank went the Professor’s legs as he walked over to Fry and
Bender and stopped in front of the TV screen. “Hey, Professor!” shouted
Bender. “Move your ultra-shiny metal ass! We were watchin’ the freakin’
news!”

Fry retorted, “Don’t worry, Bender. I think it’s the FX or SciFi channel
now. See, the thirty-eighth Terminator movie’s on.”

“Boys, don’t you notice anything different about me?”

“Or is it Son Of The Nephew Of Robocop VII?”

“I’m not part of the TV, you youngin’! I got a new body!”

“Cool, it’s interactive! I love the future!”

“I got it specifically custom-made so I can still carry out all of my
ordinary functions and I don’t have to worry about winding up to kick the
bucket! I’ve set my life box to empty out on June 11th, 3050, right after
I expect to get my Senile, Geezer Scientist’s Award!”

“BOR-ring! Let’s change the channel! Hmm, the remote doesn’t seem to be
working.”

Bender said, “Eh, forget it, old man. Fry’s too hypnotized by the TV
screen to even realize it’s you. Right, Fry?”

“Can’t. Talk. Must. Watch. Flickering. Light.”

The Professor was growing impatient that he wasn’t getting recognition from
his great uncle. Curiously, his right mechanical eye started to glow red.
“You listen to me, Fry! If my new body doesn’t attract your attention,
then what do I do?! Show up on TV?!”

“Is this an oldie? I hate those animated 2990’s cartoons! They all think
they know so much about mixing humor and science fiction? Ho-ho, boy, were
they wrong!”

–

I sensed that the Nibbler creature was growing more and more suspicious of
me as the time went on. He always had that stern look whenever he faced
me, and his teeth appeared to grow longer! He acted so innocent in front
of all the other crewmembers, the sly devil! And to make matters more
complicated, the domestic overseers mistook our diabolical suspicions for
meer pet rivalry. Or perhaps, yeeeeees, perhaps that was a good sign, for
it was easy enough for me to keep the owners off-track from my REAL plans!
Yes, yes! I may have finally met my best opponent in Nibbler.

Second from the Professor, that is! For three days straight, as my plan
was developing more and more, the overseers failed to pinpoint my
fictitious home! Just as I had suspected, and as most operations have on
frail humans, everyone noticed more changes in the Professor. Due to side-
affects, he was acting different than the first day after the appointment-
a bit less connected with his comrades, less interested in the smaller
pleasures of life, and the glare from both his eyes, even when covered
behind those thick lenses, had the look of a time bomb ready to burst at
any moment!

Let me take this time to discuss what it is about the Professor I DESPISE!
I mentioned earlier that the flesh wad is my arch nemesis because he now
plans on having control over his dying day by being taken over by a
machine! If there was one flaw I researched on humans, it was that they
sinned from taking control over such things as Time and Space! How
foolish! Time and Space is far larger than anything THEY would ever take
control over! Everything about them is a power struggle! They believe the
only way to great success is a higher job, control over one’s life, and
complete and total SATISFACTION!!!

The universes don’t work that way, boys! Did you ever consider why humans
are born crying? Why babies are born with grasping and sucking reflexes?
Why they must learn to give to one another instead of instinctively give?
And why it’s sooooo hard for them to break these habits?! As mentioned,
it’s all about POWER and WANT! The very fact that humans are born with
these things PROVES that they will NEVER escape the Seven Deadly Sins, and
shall ALL PERISH!

My alien race is not born crying, sucking and grasping! We are born
sleeping! Our mothers do NOT have use for milk, so females of my species
have no breasts! Yes, we are ALL programmed to think about ourselves! We
do nothing for anyone else, and live our lives in solitary confinement.
Those that fail to achieve such things are considered abnormal in our
culture, and are disposed of immediately!

The Professor, on the other hand, has SHOWN, by this act of physical
disembodiment, that all he wants is POWER OVER TIME! He has wasted his
life on bookish sensibilities, wanting more and more knowledge, wanting
more success in the mysterious fields of Science! His operation was, for
me, the straw that broke the camel’s back, and I now realize he needs to be
gotten rid of NOW!

Not a bad lecture from a dog, eh?

Ah yes, the dog disguise was ingenious on my part, despite some
disadvantages, such as the other members treating me like one.

“Fry, it’s your turn to take the dog outside.”

“Aw, Leela! I just brought Zoidburg outside, and his two hours aren’t up
yet!”

And let’s not forget that annoying Naming Game.

“So what should we name him, Bender? Fido?”

“Will you cut that clich crap?! He looks like a healthy, damper lad! How
about Steed?”

“Cuddles!” said Amy.

“Sebastian!” cried Hermes.

“Santa’s Widdle Hewper!” said Zoidburg, to everyone’s confusion. “What,
it’s a good name! Sooooo useful!”

Fry told them in a deep-pan attitude, “Fido. Got it.”

“Aw, Sahndy Pahnts!” said Hermes.

D’ooooh, those imbeciles! Well, no matter! Soon after that, my plans to
overthrow the Professor were soon complete! It was just a matter of
waiting for the right time.

–

Bender led the Professor into the local Robot Gymnasium. Bender was
wearing shorts, a T-shirt with the sleeves torn off, and a whistle around
his neck. “Okay, Rookie, the first thing about being a robot is that you
need to get in shape! Even robots need their weekly sharpening now and
then.”

“But I always gave you oil and alcohol when you need sharpening.”

“Well, you’re forgetting that your body’s new, and I’m a full 5 and a half
years old! So respect your elders, ya’ got dat?! New bodies need
immediate care! Okay, let’s get ready to rumble!” He pressed down his
antennae to reveal a boom box that rose out of his tummy. His hands were
retractable to reveal speakers on the two sides. “Hope you like Simmons.”

“WeEeEll, actually, I-“

“OKAY, AND GO! AND ONE! AND TWO! AND ONE! AND TWO! COME ON, YOU CALL
DAT A BURN?! MY PROTOTYPE COULD STRETCH HAMSTRINGS FASTER THAN THAT! AND
HE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE FEET YET! CUT THE CRAPPY LAZINESS AND WIP IT! WIP IT
GOOD!”

The Professor did push-ups, fat burn cycles, cartwheels, spin wheels,
steering wheels, jumpin’-jacks-and-outlets, cooled off in the Recharging
Room, and was still breaking a sweat after! Bender, meanwhile, had been
lying on a floating chair and guzzling down more beer, watching him.

The Professor panted. “H-how did I do?”

“Well, I guess you did alright. But next time, we’re going for the serious
workouts, and don’t try to look so self-conscious all the time! Oh, and
uh, is that a dent in your head?”

Little did they both know that I was down in the Planet Express basement,
finishing off my great invention to overthrow the Professor once and for
all! It was finally complete, and was now ready to operate!

Just between you and me, this device had a built-in computer that had
immediate access to the information in the Professor’s life box. With
this, I could alter the time that the Professor originally had set for his
death, and so, with no hesitation, I set the life box from 3048 to 3002!
With his dying day approaching sooner, he would become ill!

At that same moment, the Professor suddenly jerked forward and heaved a
mighty cough while they were in the locker room!

Bender was putting on his oil-odorant, when he saw him gasp for air, “Oh,
man! Professor! Don’t get all choked up at my generous coaching now! I
mean, I knew I was excellent and all, but-“

“B-Bender! Help. Me-e-e. Walk!”

“Okay, okay! Geez, you’re needy!” He supported him under the arms, and
helped him walk out of the locker room and outside, still coughing and
wheezing. Bender didn’t notice that the Professor’s right eye again glowed
a hot red.

–

The green ship landed back at the Planet Express with time to spare. Fry
and Leela raced to the garage to meet the Professor, who seemed to be
coughing less and appeared better than at the gym, but was clearly not
well.

“Bender, we got your message! What’s happened?!”

“He just started coughing when we reached the locker room! Odd, huh?”

“Let’s take him to Dr. Zoidburg-“

The Professor, “No! I’m fine, really! I may have just exerted too much
energy when I was exercising.”

Fry added, “But are you sure it isn’t the body? You know, hospitals have
only been using that technology just recently! Who knows what side-affects
it can cause?”

The next thing happened so fast. The Professor appeared to be possessed
under another force (I’m so clever!), as his head suddenly sprang up to
meet their eyes with glaring red focus! He looked so angry. Even his
voiced had a strange mechanical echo. “I tell you, I’m FINE! You can’t
tell ME what to do! I’ll do whatever I WANT, YOU HEAR?! ANYTHING!”

He broke out from Bender’s grasp and started lashing out aimlessly, his
arms flaring at nothing in particular in the air! He started to run
around, knocking boxes and other crates off of their piles!

Leela called, “Fry! He’s out of control! Help me restrain him!”

“Aww, but All My Circuits is on.”

“HELP ME, DAMMIT!”

They both struggled and found themselves in a summersault as the
Professor’s super-strong arm hurled them backward into the ship’s feet.
Leela called, “Bender! Grab something and hit the Professor in the head!”

“I NEVER thought you’d ASK,” he replied delightfully! He grabbed the
biggest crate he could find and chased after the Professor around the ship.
Bender’s arms grew longer and longer, enough to reach the Professor
without really getting near him, and he BONKED the crate over the
Professor’s head! Various sparks and crackling noises emerged out of the
metal plates, and the Professor finally stopped and collapsed onto the
floor.

“ALRIGHT! BENDER: 1! BI-NONSENSICAL MAN: ZIP-PO!”

–

In Zoidburg’s office, I was perched atop the counter underneath the
medicine cabinet, watching Zoidburg inspect the man-machine. After a
while, the pink crustacean walked out of the room and looked down on the
hopeful humans, shaking his head.

He said, “I am soooo sorry! VWahahahahaaaa! Oooooh, how could such an
unfortunate accident happen to an old man like him?! I really hate to tell
you dis, but de male appears to be covered in a shiny metal exoskeleton,
and his breath appears to be out, like a fish floating eeeever so
peacefully on the de surface.”

Leela added, “Um, you DO know parts of his body were replaced by machines,
don’t you?”

Zoidburg paused and said, “Oh. Okay, den it isn’t as bad as I thought!
Whew! Boy, you shoulda’ seen da look on MY face vhen-“

“Taking that all into consideration, did you notice anything different?”

“Vell, he DID have an unusually large formation on du right side of his
round, shiny head. Like a gigantic pearl with an unusually large formation
on du right side of du pearl.”

Bender choked for acknowledgement. “Ah-h-hem!”

Fry said, “Dr. Zoidburg, he’s been having a compulsive hyperactive behavior
all of a sudden! Can you contribute anything to it?”

He replied, “Veeeeeeell, yeeees. If there vas anything wrong with his Life
Box dat was recently installed, there’s no telling vhat dangers lurk inside
of his new chamber! Will de Professor ever recover in time? Will lady
friends Fry and Leela see dere dearest love alive again? Will a completely
non-suspicious, opposing force, dat we of the Planet Express crew are NOT
aware of in ANY way, finally reveal it’s true purpose? I DONNO’! I’m just
a pink humanoid alien with dreams of making it big in Hollywood! To find
out, we will be right back after dese messages!”

“NOW he’s freakin’ me out! Come the major catastrophe, we get a new
doctor!”

“Dis is mutinyyyyyyy!”

(commercial break)